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Blah. [Mar. 27th, 2009|07:04 pm]
Empty box
On the desk
Filled with
All my past regrets.

It used to have
A closed lid.
With a lock
and no key.

Then time decided
It was time
For self pity
And all of a sudden
The box was full.

Memories break apart
A shattered
A broken mirror.

My self perception
Projected so wrongly
A face that I could learn to love.

Now I seem
To have misplaced the mirror
I used to see my relfection
so clearly within.

The pieces
put in the unlocked box.
That sits on my desk.
With all the other mess.

I'm waiting for someone
To pass me the glue
So I can fix it.
These parts of me.

A nightmare told me
I'm missing some pieces,
and to be together
will need some rearranging.

Things could be worse?
link1 comment|Take That In Your Backface!

(no subject) [Dec. 31st, 2008|04:34 pm]
Tom: ... Why do you always call me matey?

Shai: Why? Shouldn't I? I think you know why. I have my reasons. If you don't like it I'll stop.

Tom: Ok. Sorry. Have a good night.

Shai: Look, you made it pretty clear we're just going to be friends with benefits. Which is fine, I'm happy. Its hard for me Tom, I really like you! So i call you matey like all my mates =] It's my word. But if you don't like it I'll stop. You don't have to reply, just thought I'd explain instead of being all cryptic and annoying. Haha.

Tom: Yeah fair enough. You know I really like you too. Its hard when ur away I'm pretty sure you have your Valley boy waiting for you anyway. I thought we were at least more than mates but its alright I understand. It just seemed like you didn't even wanna see me anymore. I'm sorry xox

Shai: Well, I know now. To be honest I wasn't realy sure how you felt so I was just protecting myself from getting hurt. I hoped we were more than mates too, I just didnt want to be the only one thinking that! I definitely want to see you if you'll still see me. More than anything actually, it's kind of embarrassing. There is no valley boy, just you. I'm only interested in you. So there you go, it's all out there now. Haha. I'll be back in Geelong on Sunday nite. See you then?

*Awaits reply with baited breath*
As frustrating as it is, there's something unbearably irresistable about bold and the beautiful romances. I'm a whore for drama. Oh snap....
linkTake That In Your Backface!

(no subject) [Apr. 17th, 2008|01:07 pm]
I can't keep doing this. It isn't even fun anymore. It just sucks, for lack of a better word. 4 People? Are you fucking serious? Who needs that? And you don't even know I know. Do they know? It's disgusting. Who does something like that? Or am I naive? I want to say something but I never will because that's how it is, take it or leave it. And I'm not even sure if we're friends anymore? Would we still catch up if there wasn't more? I want to hate you, I want to be the kind of person that can stand up and say "THATS NOT ALRIGHT", but I can't, because it's not me. Because this is you and I. It fucking sucks and I'm not alright. A small part of me likes to think that you feel the same, I think people call that denial? I do know that they can't just make history like we have, 6 years worth of crap between us. Is that the problem? Surely you keep me around for a reason? But then I think, why do I keep you around? I guess kind of for the hell of it... but the thought that you might feel that way too just breaks me. I have put up so many walls - to defend us, to keep us friends, to keep whatever it is that we have now. If this were anyone else I would have given up a long time ago. If it were the other way around, everything - all the times you've fucked me over, up to the way you're treating me like a notch on your belt - would you be in my shoes? I get judged because you make me feel like this. I get laughed at when I talk about this with other people. They are at a loss for words. A loss for words. How the hell do you think I feel. I'm stuck on autopilot because I don't know any better. I don't know how to shake you. You've always been there, since boys and dating were a reality for me it's always been you. You're like a drug I started taking along with everything else and now I can't shed you. You live thousands of kilometres away and I still think about you everyday. EVERYFUCKINGDAY.
You're a disease. I don't have any immunity. Like a tumour. You sit there, and you can be benign in my mind for weeks. Then you flare up and you RUIN MY LIFE. Infect everything I do - my thoughts and my actions. My BEING. And I know you act differently around me because no one else would have you if you were the same. I can't fucking wait until you go back to your stupid home back in stupid woop woop and LEAVE ME ALONE. As long as you're in reach, all I want to do is be close to you. I don't know how this is going to work but I have to try. The thing is, I can whinge and moan and blog to my hearts content about "when will this be over", but the irony is, it's in my hands. Or is it? I feel like I have no control. I feel helpless, and small and weak. I feel voiceless, which is a rarity for me. Please, just sort your shit out. When will you realise you can have it all, or you can have nothing. Don't make me regret you for the rest of my life, because I have no regrets. You can be my one lonely regret - and that's everything I wish for you right now.
link1 comment|Take That In Your Backface!

(no subject) [Sep. 13th, 2007|10:22 pm]
Wow, I haven't written anything in months and months. I vaguely remember opening this window just after my birthday and half heartedly putting together a paragraph and then becoming disinterested.
Hah, story of my life or what?
It's been amusing, to look back at last year and what life was like before the grown up commitments took over. I miss it whole heartedly.
Now I work. I work what seems like everyday. I work with little effort, and therefore produce little impressive outcome. However, this seems to be the trend at my workplace, and nothing more is expected, which is nice.
I see the boyfriend. The boyfriend I don't even know if I should be with. Haven't known for almost the entirety of our 8 month commitment. We are so different, and so alike. It's like, mix 2 poisons and you don't get an antidote, you get an even fucking stronger poison! We nag and bitch and argue and sook... thing is this seems to be the majority of my social life, and thus I am fairly certain this is the entertainment I have found for myself on a daily basis. God knows there's nothing else. I think I love? But do I? If anything this relationship has caused me true regret. Regret is something I had never felt until this relationship and it whalloped me in the face like a frozen tuna.
The regret I am refering to is that of the BIG MISTAKE. The act of cheating on the ex. I will admit, at the time I saw him as a bit of a clown, I saw myself as superior. But now, now I see him as so much more. I loved him with my whole heart, and I was so lucky to be with someone I loved so much, and got along with so much that felt the same.
I know now that it is a rare thing to find someone you can see everyday and still crave more. I may have believed at the time that he was dragging me down, but truth be told he was an attribute. He brought out the best in me, in my soul if not anything else. He made me so so happy and I took it for granted. Regret is a sorry feeling.
Regret has also set me free from a 5 year virus. I thought it was a disease that I could never shed, but regret prescribed me otherwise. Regret killed Ben Barnard. I will forever be in debt of regret. Humility can't be without a mention, it had it's fair part as well, but humility is merely the Robin to my regret Batman.
I am currently in a standstill. I feel like the life I always dreamt for myself is being lived by those around me, and I am the person I never wanted to be. The bystander, the settler, the lame ass.
Perhaps if I write more the answers will reveal themselves, and be my salvation.
I can't see anything else pulling me out of this damned mess I've made (that's surprisingly clean).
I just need to be motivated to change things, and let go of the fear.

It's all easier said than done.
link1 comment|Take That In Your Backface!

WASTED [Dec. 24th, 2006|02:20 am]
Bop bop bop bop bop bop boop bop bop bopbop bowwwwwww
hahha i'm drunk and apparently going out with a derro. a big fat derro. not even an attractive one, just a derro! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH I pick 'em good. I should be drunk, tell you that much.
Ohhhh put your hands up for Detroit, a lovely city.
Dooby dooby dooby dooby doo doo doooo beep bopbopbop
Boom shakalakaa my clothes are falling off. DONT HAVE TO WORK TIL 3 TOMORROW. FUCKING SHIT HOT CU.... uh oh! CATS!!! HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA
going to try and pass out to narnia now. hooray for narnia, that fucking simba dude is awesome even if he does fake his own death. No, that makes him cooler, like homer simpsons mum. Weeeee
No i don't take drugs. Honest. I just took 3 jaeger bombs and now im a bit WOOP WOOOP WOOOOP WOOOOPPPAHHHH!
ashlees newest nickname - ashlan.
Where was that silly girl tonight, silly girl silly girl. Love her to bits but she wasnt there so shes silly.
MG looked good tonight! *wolf whistles* pity he's a dickhead and most likely THE duddest root you would hever have. not that i know, i don;t actually know... oh god no honest.
Lets corss our fingers (all together now) that no one readst his . Hooray. I think it worked. DAmn it. Stuupid you.Stop readinG! oh god stop reading.
Why can't someone inetresting come on;line, like lees <3 or timby ( L ). haha they're dating for a long time. 2 dollar. etc etc. Kill me now.
Love and kisses and rainbows and bad music and dancefloor jargon
P.S. •°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
in your face
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
you dont want to meess with my guns
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
gravedigger and graveyard
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
and if ytou rreaally fuck me up you will hav to face allies guns
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
goodnight then
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
love and sprinkles and hugs to you
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
i hope all the rainbows in the world come to an end in your loungeroom one day
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
and that your house is full of pots of gold and friendly leprechauns
•°o.O}8{O.o°•SHAIBABY says:
(not lepers, that would be bad)
link2 comments|Take That In Your Backface!

Part One [Sep. 26th, 2006|12:14 am]

link1 comment|Take That In Your Backface!

Fucking Fantastic [Sep. 22nd, 2006|05:43 pm]
Ah yes, this is Shiny Tanned Chillaxed Shai coming to you from the bar, beside the pool, in sexyliciously hot Darwin.
So, lets get straight down to it shall we? We flew in on Monday night. Well, wasn't that the most uncomfortable feeling. I jumped off the plane wearing jeans and my hoodie, started sweating my arse off before we even got into the airport and greeted a barefooted, scantly clad Ben with a sweaty brow. I probably would have started sweating anyway, but the point is I was completely unprepared for the heat!
He drove us back to the resort & stayed a while and then departed, leaving me in my 3x3 cell. Yes, my flashy room consists of a single bed (with a cotton sheet on it mind you), a TV, a fridge and A/C. Schmick! Tuesday was spent being a complete tourist. Boomshakalaka. We went to Crocodylus Park & to feed some fish.
RANDOM i know. Being called :D Tonight is my surprise outing with IT. Boo yeah.
link1 comment|Take That In Your Backface!

(no subject) [Sep. 16th, 2006|12:59 pm]
"You feel nice to lie next to"
"You do too"
:D <3
linkTake That In Your Backface!

BEST PHOTOS EVER [Sep. 12th, 2006|06:32 pm]
[Stranded in |Desk]
[Tunes |About to make a playlist]

This entry is being bunged in here to honour those photos you wish were never taken. Here are my selection of photos that are too classic and hilarious for anyone to miss out on.

Beck Russell & I in 2002

My brother. Xmas 2002

My sister & Cousin

Ok, so I'm glad this one was taken.


monkey girl

holy shit what is that!

So so drunk

Oh Jim. You're so Tattooed

I swear this kid is normally the most gorgeous person you have ever seen!


link1 comment|Take That In Your Backface!

(no subject) [Sep. 11th, 2006|05:43 pm]
[Stranded in |Bedroom]
[I am... |crappycrappy]
[Tunes |Beyonce - Ring The Alarm]

Haha I would write shit here but I have had to explain this night too many times by far. So just have pictures.

Chloe from Nova, my Nova Gnome & I

V8 Supercar Driver for Holden & my formal date, Rick Kelly & I (Sorry I had to boast).

Tam looking gorgeous as per norm & Joel. Awww <3

Alex looking stoned, and the ever excited Arlen

Alyse & Stacey

Kara & Alister

Jim & Evan

Hayley. She made that dress. Damn good effort.

The ever beautiful Lees & my Homeboy Timby

Meagan & Rhys & that "new couple" glow

Armstrong, that is the scariest mask I have ever seen

They call him LETHAL, and yes ladies, he is single.

Do the macarena bitches!

Clairebear looking her own gorgeous as usual

Megan (aka Spanky) & I

Miranda & Robbie

Britt & Brett

Then Saturday Warby one the grand final so the clubbies went off. Boo yeah. More complicated than that but shitted if i can be bothered writing about it now!
Grover says it all...


link2 comments|Take That In Your Backface!

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