||[Sep. 13th, 2007|10:22 pm]
Wow, I haven't written anything in months and months. I vaguely remember opening this window just after my birthday and half heartedly putting together a paragraph and then becoming disinterested.|
Hah, story of my life or what?
It's been amusing, to look back at last year and what life was like before the grown up commitments took over. I miss it whole heartedly.
Now I work. I work what seems like everyday. I work with little effort, and therefore produce little impressive outcome. However, this seems to be the trend at my workplace, and nothing more is expected, which is nice.
I see the boyfriend. The boyfriend I don't even know if I should be with. Haven't known for almost the entirety of our 8 month commitment. We are so different, and so alike. It's like, mix 2 poisons and you don't get an antidote, you get an even fucking stronger poison! We nag and bitch and argue and sook... thing is this seems to be the majority of my social life, and thus I am fairly certain this is the entertainment I have found for myself on a daily basis. God knows there's nothing else. I think I love? But do I? If anything this relationship has caused me true regret. Regret is something I had never felt until this relationship and it whalloped me in the face like a frozen tuna.
The regret I am refering to is that of the BIG MISTAKE. The act of cheating on the ex. I will admit, at the time I saw him as a bit of a clown, I saw myself as superior. But now, now I see him as so much more. I loved him with my whole heart, and I was so lucky to be with someone I loved so much, and got along with so much that felt the same.
I know now that it is a rare thing to find someone you can see everyday and still crave more. I may have believed at the time that he was dragging me down, but truth be told he was an attribute. He brought out the best in me, in my soul if not anything else. He made me so so happy and I took it for granted. Regret is a sorry feeling.
Regret has also set me free from a 5 year virus. I thought it was a disease that I could never shed, but regret prescribed me otherwise. Regret killed Ben Barnard. I will forever be in debt of regret. Humility can't be without a mention, it had it's fair part as well, but humility is merely the Robin to my regret Batman.
I am currently in a standstill. I feel like the life I always dreamt for myself is being lived by those around me, and I am the person I never wanted to be. The bystander, the settler, the lame ass.
Perhaps if I write more the answers will reveal themselves, and be my salvation.
I can't see anything else pulling me out of this damned mess I've made (that's surprisingly clean).
I just need to be motivated to change things, and let go of the fear.
It's all easier said than done.